Five Relatives No One Likes

This is a post that I am sure EVERYONE can relate to. Every Desi at least. So I compiled a list of 5 relatives (no specific order) everyone has and can not stand. All of us have these characters present in our families and most of us could do without them.

1. The 'What Grades Did You Get?':

Image: Comics By Arslan

These are personally my most dreaded relatives (mostly because I'm dumb and my grades are an embarrassment). These relatives will not wish you on your birthday but will be the first ones to call you on results day. And if they have kids who are a year or two older than you or if you're particularly unlucky, as old as you, well then prepare for a lifetime of comparisons,

'Haan phir kya bana? Meri beti k tou Masha'Allah 9A*s aye hain, us ne tou parha he nahi tha, bus meri beti *chokes up*, khair batao phir kya bana hmmm?'                                          

God forbid if your grades weren't what you wanted them to be or even if they were, you are made to feel like a failure, They may not out rightly say 'You're dumb' but no one can miss the pity hidden behind the 'Oho kuch nahi hota, agli dafa's (Better luck next time). And to that you may want scream some like 'YOU KNOW I AM HAPPY WITH MY RESULT, TAKE YOUR PRODIGY CHILD AND DIE'. But all you can do is, say thank you politely while you curse them silently.

2. The 'We Are So Rich It's Crazy':

You won't have to think very hard about these ones. They are to notorious ones in your family who throw grand weddings and parties. Whenever you go over to meet them or vice versa they will entertain you with tales of their latest foreign travels and insane purchases. 

'Hum wahan gaye thei jahan woh Shahrukh Khan ne shooting ki thi na, kya naam he us mulak ka? Arey wohi, haaaan, Carootia (Croatia). 

These relatives buy nothing but branded items. Not local brands, no, they buy international brands. Who cares if they pronounce Gucci as Goosey and Chanel as Channel. They can afford it and you can't and they will not let you forget it.

3. The 'Fasadis':

Everyone and I mean EVERYONE in Pakistan has these relatives. The ones who love creating issues in your family. You know, when everything is great and then these relatives come over and all hell breaks loose, next thing you know everyone is upset and not talking to each other and you sit there trying to wrap your head around what just happened. They come over and everything is as right as rain and then someone says something seemingly innocent and they read too much into a simple statement, next thing you know they're screaming bloody murder about an incident that happened years ago which they still (surprise, surprise) hold a grudge about! 

Later apologies are made in order not to ruin family ties and then next time the cycle repeats itself.

4. The 'Fooling Everyone But You':

These relatives are mostly around our age. Everyone in the family (read: grown ups) love them because they're 'Oh-so-sweet' and pious and loving and caring and oh you could just go on about their brilliance. 

But you know the truth and the truth is that this harami relative does not hurry out of the house after Azaan (call to prayer) to go to the Masjid and pray but instead he hurries out to go and smoke or call his girlfriend or any other equally nefarious activity.
You also know that this relative has two profiles on Facebook, one for the family members he is fooling and one privy to all his friends and age fellows (you included). 

But this reality is only known by you so you have to hear your mother and other family members talk about them and give you their examples all the while you are practically itching to show them their Facebook 'friends' profile and scream 'TOLD YOU, IN YOUR FACE, YOU SHOULD THANK GOD THAT I AM NOT A LYING CREEP. HAHA!'

5. The 'How Do I Even Know You?'

I don't know about you guys but I have a ton and I mean a ton of relatives I have absolutely NO clue how I'm related too. The only thing I know is if they're from my maternal or paternal side (that too because I see them at events from only one side of the family). 

These relatives act so close to you all the while you are thinking of ways to avoid saying their name because you have no idea what to put after it. Whenever I meet such relative I rack my brain for an answer, 'Are you my khala? My phuppo? My mami? WHO ARE YOU?!' 

In private my sister and I refer to these relatives as '*insert name* whoever she/he is to us', because well, we don't know how we're related and we're the least bit bothered to find out. You meet them once in a blue moon but when you do, you are enveloped in a full 5 minute hug accompanied with a teary eyed declaration of love followed by your embarrassing childhood antics and you smile throughout all of it thinking 'how do I know you, how, just HOW?' And the worst part is these are the very relatives who are interested in EVERY detail about you. You may not know them but they know you. They bombard you with questions like 'Shaadi hogaye?' or 'Kya kar rahi ho?' or 'Cooking aati he?' and pretty soon, probably, 'Shoe ka size bhi bata do?'.

But what are you gonna do? Sadly, you can't choose family and they can't choose you. For all you know, they too think of you as an ungrateful little turd. 

Now, what kind of relatives annoy you the most.. or are you one of them yourself? *Dun dun DUNNN*